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Can You Go on Living After the Loss of a Child?

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By Joy Pitts, MS, LPC, MIOP
Edited and modified by: Morgen Pitts, BBA

In Memory of
Ashley Jo Pitts
1988 – 1989

 

 

After losing a child, it is difficult to comprehend how you can go on living when dying seems so much simpler then experiencing the pain. You feel empty, helpless, and lost without any signs of relief in the future. How can you go on? This is an account of how I was able to continue to breathe each day thereafter:

On the morning of April 3, 1989, I slept longer than usual. When I woke, I felt panicked. My 4 month old daughter, Ashley Jo rarely allowed me to sleep. We had taken her to the doctors on several occasions to inquire about her excessive crying. They said it was colic. This day was different she wasn’t crying. She didn’t wake up. On this morning she slept more peacefully than ever in the arms of God regardless of everyone’s desperate attempts to try to keep her here on earth with us. In the hospital, my husband held her and rocked her as she eternally slept and the nurses stood and cried with him.

On this morning, my life changed forever. I was completely devastated. I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t WANT to. I didn’t want to live. I wanted to die with my sweet baby girl. My thoughts were irrational in so many ways. I thought if I didn’t participate then it wouldn’t happen. I didn’t plan the funeral. My very supportive family and husband took over the planning. They encouraged (well pushed) me to go to the viewing. I remember my grandmother specifically saying “We HAVE to go! Now come on!” in a very stern voice. And I went unwillingly. The only memory I have of the viewing was a small child standing in front of me by the white casket that looked much like a bassinet. The child was pointing and questioning why there was a small hole in her head. (It was iv attempt made while they were trying to save her life). I didn’t want to be there. I just wanted to die.

Before the funeral, we sat at the house as people came and went (and came and went) showing their support, their sorrow, and bringing food. It felt as if I were at a movie and I was just watching it on a screen. I watched as my Aunt Sissy cleaned vigorously. Picking up and washing glasses that were half full. May people were scurrying around the house trying to do anything to relieve their own pain. I couldn’t feel and I couldn’t breathe. I was void of emotion. I didn’t know how to make this stop. They gave me medication to help keep me calm. It wasn’t enough.

My father and my husband carried me into the church to say goodbye to our firstborn. To this very day, I cannot remember a word the pastor said or who participated. As we drove to the cemetery, I remember looking back and seeing cars following for as far as I could see. I felt like this was it. I could NOT stop it from happening. I wouldn’t ever be able to hold her again. I wouldn’t ever be able to rock her again or watch her grow up. I couldn’t save her and truly all I wanted was to die with her. As I noticed the graveside service was coming to an end and there was nothing I could do, I lost it. My mind once again was irrational. I grabbed for the casket and people grabbed me to take me away. All these American rituals to help people grieve seemed to only intensify my pain. I DIDN’T want to live without my daughter. I was her mother and I was suppose to protect her. There was no pain like this.

Every day after was a struggle to continue to live. It was literally hard to breathe and my entire body ached. I reached out to people hoping someone would be able to numb the pain. No one knew what to say or how to make it better. They were as devastated as I was at that time. And yes, I became angry, very angry. After everything I had been through in my childhood, why would God take my first child. Did he just hate me? Was this a punishment for all the things I have done wrong. Was God punishing me for not being the Christian I should have been? And most of all I was also angry at myself. Why wasn’t I able to save her life?

I consistently had irrational rapid thoughts that consisted of many ‘what ifs’.

  • What if I would have got up earlier?
  • What if I had taken her to another doctor.
  • What if I would have been a better person and God would not have felt the need to punish me.
  • What if I had performed CPR instead of panicking.

These thoughts haunted me for a very long time and lead me to a deep depression with more suicidal thoughts.

So, I am sure you are wondering how do you keep living after this horrendous tragedy. And you are likely expecting some profound cure I have found through my education or experience to rid your own depression and anxiety or an answer to keep you alive. I don’t have a one and I don’t have a magic wand to take your pain away. Yet, I can share with you a few things that helped me make it through each of the hardest days:

  • Although I was angry at God, I believed he had a plan beyond my understanding and I was right.
  • My husband, family, and friends were my rock when I didn’t think I could make it through another day. On many occasions, they held me while I cried and they shared their memories and sadness which was very helpful. I needed to know she would always be remembered.
  • We attended Compassion Friends support group for people who had lost children. It helped me to realize I was not the only one who was going through this indescribable pain.
  • I went to see a pastor for counseling.
  • Medications to reduce the depression and anxiety.
  • I distracted myself and became obsessed with learning ways through my education to help others.
  • I also educated myself on coping skills and grief, as well as SIDS. I wanted to know why this happened and ways to heal myself.

I learned to cope to make it through the day. There were times my mind was still irrational. I remember thinking the first time it snowed that my daughter was cold and we needed to go to the cemetery and cover her with a blanket. Irrational thoughts were prevalent throughout my grieving process and I learned we do not have to believe everything we think.

All of these coping skills did not remove the pain or the rapid irrational thoughts, but they allowed me to see a future. Unfortunately, the pain never subsides yet embracing the challenges of everyday life and seeking help from professionals, family, and friends you will move forward in life.

And yes, you can go on living after the loss of a child? The pain and irrational thoughts will continue, yet they become bearable and other blessings enter your life. I have since been blessed with two wonderful children, three grandchildren, and 30 years of marriage. I am thankful for the wonderful life God has given me and I am happy to be living it every day.

Filed Under: Child

Is My Child Suicidal?

by Joy Pitts, MS, LPC
True Hope Counseling, PLLC

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We are living in a time of instant gratification, lack of face to face interactions, complex relationships, and excessive expectations leaving parents emotionally bankrupt when interacting with their own children. Most anything we want or need we can get in a short period of time and when we have to wait for anything we become frustrated and sometimes angry. Which causes employers to expect more from employees to meet the needs of their clients in a timely fashion. Employees work longer hours and are expected to be available to their employer by phone or email even when they are not on the clock. We rarely know our neighbors or spend quality time with our friends or family. Even when we do, electronics interrupt or steal the time from our loved ones.

Children and teens are not exempt from the pressures of this fast paced culture. They are expected to perform well at school, succeed in sports activities, adjust to blended or complex family issues and pick up the slack of chores left by overwhelmed parents. In addition, bullying has become more prevalent with social media and parents are not as accessible to their children because they are trying to meet the expectations of the current culture. This leaves many children feeling helpless, hopeless, and worthless. Their behavior and attitude begin to change in many ways and this leaves parents asking ‘Is my child suicidal?’. Which is an excellent question considering “Suicide is a major problem affecting youth; it is the 3rd leading cause of death among 10-24 year olds.” American Psychological Association.

Suicide warning signs:

  • Excessive sadness or moodiness.
  • Lack of interest in things they use to enjoy.
  • Use/abuse of substance alcohol
  • Talking about death or suicide.
  • Giving away prized possessions.
  • Hopelessness
  • Dramatic mood changes
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Dangerous or self harm behavior (reckless driving, unsafe sex, etc… )
  • Secluding their self
  • Recent trauma or life crisis
  • Feelings of rage or uncontrollable anger
  • Calmness after a period of depression

Most parents want the best for their children, yet lack adequate resources to provide the basic needs (food,clothing,shelter) or more complex needs (safety, structure, stability, and attention). They have to be creative in meeting the needs of their children. Being proactive in suicide prevention is the key.

Proactive steps for parents include but are not limited to the following:

  1. Provide a healthy, stable, structured, and consistent environment.
  2. Listen to your child attentively (without electronics and unconditionally. For example: I will still love you no matter what you tell me. There may be a consequence, yet I will not stop loving you.
  3. Spend uninterrupted quality time with your child.
  4. If your child reports being bullied, take it seriously and take action.
  5. Help your child find balance in their life. Anything in excess is not good. (Too many activities. Too much social media, video games, or television.)
  6. Get your child help if they are struggling in any one area (academic achievement, peer relationships, physical issues, etc.)
  7. Don’t be afraid to talk to your teen about suicide.

Rhonda Schmitzer, a mother who has lost a son to suicide in 2010 states the following:

“Teens must understand that suicide is NOT, nor EVER will be the answer. They must understand that they can talk about their bad moments. Their bad days. It’s OK to have them. It’s OK to not be OK. But they must find someone to talk to.

They also should know that their words to other teens can be destruction that trigger actions (suicide). It is important for them to make sure their words trigger love actions.”

Last but not least —-   Get help right away if you suspect your child may be suicidal. Trust your intuition.

CALL 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) for assistance.

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Welcome to True Hope Counseling!

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Beginning Therapy can be frightening. The goal at True Hope is to create an environment where you feel comfortable to share your emotions and experiences comfortably. The office is very calm and relaxing. Please feel free to wear comfortable clothes and bring a drink.

We will work to identify what already works in your life, as well as eliminating obstacles that may be holding you back from a happy, healthy, and successful life.

On your first visit:

  1. You will arrive 10-15 minutes early to complete intake paperwork.The intake paperwork includes:
    a. Basic demographic and contact information
    b. Important medical history
    c. Current prescription/medications
    d. Previous Therapy
    e. History of drug and alcohol
    f. History of trauma

    2.  

  2. After offering you a drink, we will review the intake paperwork you have completed and answer any questions you have regarding it or Therapy. All of your questions are welcome! This will likely take another 10-15 minutes. Everything we discuss is confidential with some exceptions, which we will discuss when reviewing the intake paperwork.

    3.  

  3. After the intake paperwork and review, we will begin to discuss current problems or issues you are experiencing, as well as the strengths you possess. Additional questions regarding your history and goals for Therapy will be asked to obtain a clear picture of obstacles blocking your success. We will be a team in moving in the direction you would like to go. The entire first session will take approximately one hour and ten minutes. Please be aware detailed notes will be taken to ensure quality care is given to you consistently.

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